Officially Any Good

Well, it’s officially official. I turned in my paper yesterday.

It’s kind of silly how, when a decision is actually uncertain, I will submit the paperwork as soon as I know. And yet when I know ahead of time, dither to and fro, take out the form, look at it, put it away again, unwilling to submit to the inevitable, pushing back til the last minute the official sealing of my own fate. It is my way to go dragging my heels (not kicking and screaming, that is far too dramatic and noisy) through a change of any appreciable size, and this upcoming repatriation is appreciable.

When I finally did turn in the form at the last possible moment, nothing changed, no new sense either of despair nor relief washed over me. This is the next step in the way of things, it does not push its weight upon you, because its weight was meant to settle gradually, day by day, and you’ve already begun to feel it some time ago, and it will get more and more obvious, in some ways more and more strenuous, as the days go on.

But you’re doing it right, taking it slow, even being willing to enjoy, to some extent, the way that it hurts to leave. Let yourself wax poetic as you watch the snow falling between you and the dark of the evergreens.

Yesterday was a day that could have been any day. After school, I walked up the hill to Sponic, had a swim, showered, came back to school where some of the girls on their way home stopped to talk to me, then rode with the music teacher back to town. It was the first round of test for third years to get into high school, and there was a dinner party that night. We talked and ate, and I forgot, and the food was so good, and the guests between heartbreaking and a little annoying once the beer wore off in the karaoke box and the principal wouldn’t stop shaking my hand, asking if I thought he was cool.

At some point during dinner, the judo coach was talking about his time in America, mishaps and fast food restaurants, and I saw reflections of my home in his words. Then he talked about the kyoudai, the students I refer to as twins even though I am fully aware that one is older, who may work their way (is this small town gullibility?) to the Olympics in judo in a couple years. I wondered, will I hear about it? Will I see them on TV, grappling with French kids, and remember how they were when I called on them in class?

I have a connection to this place, and while it will thin and grow taut, I like to think it will not break entirely. I don’t skim easily over change because I sink into things, or they sink into me. I burrow, I feed my need to explore, to find out shit. Some of it also comes by accident.

The band teacher said something in the car on the way back to town, about how good the school has been this year, all three classes stacking up well. Last year the third years weren’t very responsible, they were full of troublemakers, but this year, there’s a harmony in place that is rare in middle schools. She called it a “miracle” and I agreed, because middle school is a tough crowd, a tough age to be, and somehow this student body makes it looks easy. I sighed to myself. All that will change in a month, as graduation hits us and a new school year begins, so it’s not that I’m losing that. It’s just that I’m glad I got to be part of the miracle year, I guess, to watch them grow and become.

One thing I remember from my kepmo homework that sticks out still is something about how, not only is it important to believe in your ability to change yourself, but it is impossible to remain the same. I’ve had a tendency all my short life long to try to keep everything, to hold on to things, even when I knew I knew better. There are pieces of that I’ve been seeing recently in my iTunes, of all places.. I don’t use iTunes, or didn’t, but have been more lately, and a lot of the music I have isn’t stuff I sought out on my own. I’m not very good or motivated at chasing down music I like. I much prefer asking for my friends’ music and then letting it sink into my consciousness by just having it in the car until I get tired of it. There aren’t a lot of people in the world I have actively cut out of my life.. I can think of two, actually. And I still have the music they gave me.

Why? Ah, why not? Because it was theirs? It’s not theirs anymore. Because it reminds me of them? So it does. Is it so bad to be reminded? That’s not what I cut out; I didn’t want to deal with them anymore. Is keeping the stuff they gave me dealing with them? Remembering them is bittersweet, and I kind of like that.

So anyway, it’s impossible to remain the same. Like, even if you stay in the same place and do the same thing and get the same result, even if you never move forward, you still can’t stay the same. If you never take a step, or a leap, if you never try, you still won’t be the same old thing (theoretically, good thing, since you wanted to avoid that change, right?) you wanted to stay being.

It echoes into the contractual paperwork. It is impossible to stay in your apartment and job forever, even if you wanted to, which you must admit (while there are some thing of which you may never grow tired), you don’t even want to.

But if it’s impossible to remain the same, then why not try to become better? In whatever way. Stronger. Happier. Better at math. More patient. More kanji in your head. Whatever. My JET life is in its final one-sixth, but my ties to Japan could just be beginning. They will be different, in six months, but that doesn’t mean they won’t be any good.

Other New Year

I've been going through and posting about our winter trip little by little, because I want to note it all pretty carefully, but I realized today that I've been leaving out a lot of what's happened since then!

Today it's sunny and ridiculously warm for January; I've got the windows open and the laundry out. Wearin' just one layer and everything! It feels like Georgia out there (46, according to the weather channel).. It's a bright way to start the Dragon year.

Tomorrow's new moon kicks off the lunar new year, which is the actual start of the Year of the Dragon. Water Dragon, to be precise, and I hope that bodes well. Lawyers and I did "The Year in Review" back in December, and by most counts it was a pretty lame year. I recall saying I looked forward to the Rabbit for a nice little rest, and in many ways I can see how last year was metallic rabbitlike, a period of holding space, of making progress without ever actually achieving anything, it seemed. It was hard to find the special high points, although easy enough to point to the low (March, June). The Tohoku disaster was absolutely, abominably devastating to so many people's lives. And while for me, the hardest part of losing Shannon is seeing others lose her too (lose her more?), it was and is still a rocking personal loss. We were asked to give our own personal "best news" from 2011 for the end of year party and I found myself swallowing and looking back over the months and finding... what? "Best news"? What had I accomplished? What had I become in one year's time?

I wrote down my Shorinji brown belt (not to be confused with my 2-kyu test in the summer, which I hated), and my kids winning speech contest, and could not generate a third piece of news. This is strictly personal of course. I had a lot of fun, did a lot of stuff, traveled, met new people, conceived new dreams, tried to kill some old ones off, but couldn't boil it down to anything solid. This also has a lot to do with the state of mind I was in pre-trip.

But tomorrow's new moon is not for dwelling on the past year and its immobility, its status as the "Year without climax." It's about what's happening now, and what will happen next. My next Cambodia trip entry will be the Angkor Wat day, which was also New Year's Eve, and how we rang it into Siem Reap. What I know about the Dragon, now, is that I'm ready. I know this in the same way that I knew with the Rabbit I was not. Not ready to take on the next big challenge, the move, the change, the handing over of this niche and life to someone else.

Today I went to buy new filters for my water pitcher, and picked the 4-pack. "Hey successor," I thought, "you probably haven't even been selected yet, but I'm already gettin you presents." ('Cause the life of all 4 water filters exceeds my tenure)

Sometimes when I stop to think about it, I don't know how I'm going to give up this seat. I've never been good at letting go of any good thing, and I know this is a good thing. For all the little pitfalls and problems, it's still a good thing. You know a vacation was good when it is not only fun in the moment, but makes you better able to appreciate what you have once you get back home, and our trip definitely did that.

I got back on the ball and finished my TEFL course upon returning to Japan. I took the test last weekend and am officially certified now, just like that (certificate's in the mail!). My Shorinji Kempo test for 1-kyu is coming up on the 2nd, and I feel good about it. I mean, I'm not supremely confident, but I've been working hard, and I feel much more ready. For the first week after I got back to Japan, I was going to bed at a reasonable hour and not feeling rushed anymore, or as put-upon. A little of that has come back, but mostly things are falling off as I had lined them up to do. Once decision day is past, I can start training a successor in Hyogo Times. I'm auctioning off my jetwit posting responsibilities to whoever is a capable comer. Twitchy-sensei is the only thing guaranteed to make me crazy, but since they teamed him up, this semester, with Mikan-sensei (poor Mikan-sensei is a pretty big responsibility sponge over there), he keeps Twitchy in line; things are much more tolerable even there.

I have a tendency, I know, to load up on too many things. There are too many things to do, and a great number of them seem worth doing, and so I decide to do them. My resolution last year was -- in space-holding fashion -- just not to add any new things (and I failed at that right away with jetwit). This year it is a decided shift in a letting-go direction. Stop doing all that stuff. Actively get rid of things (objects, responsibilities), with an aim toward a simpler, less cluttered, thus less stressed life, and perhaps even time to write that novel.

I'm still going to travel, and write, and keep in touch by sending people things, because now I don't know how not to. But I am working on saying no, on giving myself the time and space which I am always so keen to give away. I enjoy socializing, but it really does take energy. Today I planned to just hang out until this evening's event in Himeji, reading Hunger Games before my Amazon Prime membership expires tomorrow, running errands. I've had two invitations to go places and do things, and I very nearly said yes to them both. I love to say yes, I love to hang out and chat with people, but I am recognizing more and more that I need some of that for just me, too, and that saying yes just because you are asked is silly.

So, the Water Dragon, what is that like? The dragon is the luckiest of the 12 zodiac creatures, and the only one that is mythical. It's the most badass. I think the water element will make it calm, but it will still be all about energy, dynamism, change. It's a good time to learn to leap.

nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior

It's finally here: Wednesday. I've been looking longingly at this day on the calendar since sometime last week when I realized what was happening on that pattern of numbered squares. It's a desk day, a nothing but do as you will you little ALT you day (oh, and o-souji), after weeks and weeks of classes and lesson planning and elementary and children being horrible brats and snide comments and terrorizing each other and I need a vacation for the love of God...

As usual, there's a lot going on. A lot of fun things, a lot of exciting things, a lot of tiring, tedious things, a lot of normal things, daily grind things, online course-taking things (did I mention that my TEFL course has been both more interesting and helpful, and also more demanding of me than I predicted it would be?).

I just checked to make sure my flights are all in order (that is, that I actually do have tickets for all the different flights I thought I had tickets for). Now I'm putting all the info on to one handy page, registering with the travel website of the US, and trying to generate a packing list.

But when I say there's a lot going on, it isn't all just out there in the physical world.. I also mean inside my head. It's been a bit of a mess in there lately. I don't mean to complain, but I do mean to be honest. I've been riding right up on the edge of a nice toasty meltdown.

A lot of it has to do with my ever more precarious position, timewise. As the weeks go by, things shift more and more. Everything becomes a game of now or never. I look outside and I resent having to leave this place. I look down and can't wait to get out. I say, it's my third year, so that means I have to go. "They've changed the contract," my fellow ALTs tell me, "look, you can stay up to five years, now."

Five years, three years: neither one is really permanent. The more I learn and the better I get at my job, the more frustrating become the confines of the system within which I am wrapped. They don't know what I mean when I say, it's my third year, so I have to go.

It feels connected to an inner need to own something, or build something, rather than just subsist comfortably between the lines of what the teachers expect and the students enjoy.

You can always tell a Dutchman, but you can't tell him much. When I arrived, I was daunted because the shoes were bigger than my feet, but the more I learn about language, about teaching, the more I wish I could run the city's English program (does it officially have one?), design its curriculum, lay out its calendar, and direct its activities. I want to do things my way, but not just my things. I want to be in charge of the entire affair, albeit in small scale. I would say, let me open a language school, but there are already plenty of those. Besides, I want it to be available publicly, to everyone; I want the English classes already happening four times a week to really accomplish something. I want to go at it in a systematic and real way, I want someone to see what a multi-layered approach to foreign language education starting in elementary school and pursued in earnest can really do. I mean, you'd have kids, like, fuckin'... speaking English and shit!

My dreams and desires are too big for my pigeonhole. So even though I like my salary, and I love my school (I seriously think my particular position is one worthy of envy) for its wonderful students and excellent fellow staff members and sweet new building, and I like my apartment, and I like my ALT friends, and my travel opportunities, and my Japanese townies and their gifts and their pets, and my Japan seasons and small town life, I don't like my job anymore, and I honestly think that for that reason, someone else will do a better job than me next year. Because they'll be excited to teach Halloween or whatever cultural holiday, and I skipped it entirely this year. Because I'm tired of fighting fourth graders, and enduring exuberant shouts of "gaikokujin!" (though it is pretty friggin cute that a four-year-old is able to include the "koku" part of that word... it's much more polite that way) I'm tired of "harro" and "ohashi jouzu," and all the stares and trepidation I encounter when I try to deal with people that don't know me.

And I'm tired too of missing holidays, family gatherings, weddings, funerals, parties, and babies. I'm tired of telling kids about holiday traditions in which I don't get to participate this year, and furthermore, knowing that they don't quite get it, because you don't know what it's like unless you're there, and moreover, there again and again every year. What is Halloween really like? How can I simulate or explain the experience of trick-or-treating, costumes, and also how your Halloween evolves from age 5 to 15? What is the true meaning of Christmas, especially to a roomful of Shinto-Buddhists?

I'm not part of Japan, not really, and in many ways never can be. In other ways, it could be a matter of time. Language barriers shift, weaken, and in some sectors come down, but in others they remain annoyingly in the way. But I'm not part of the lives of the people back home either; how much does anyone really know or understand about how my life goes on a normal basis, about what annoys, delights, gratifies, or frightens me? About what I enjoy, what I'm grateful for, what I need, and what I want? And what do I know about what it's like to be over there now? That feeling of disconnect has been approaching fever pitch.

I've complained before about people who say they want to start on their "real lives," how I think being here is just as real and just as part of life as going back home to a non-existent job and a bigger picture. But I do have to admit that there are a lot of things that are on hold while being here. This is another case of totaling up the little things -- each on-hold item is not a big deal by itself, but enough of them, and for long enough, starts to tip the balance over. Professionally and personally speaking, I can see the way the scales have slid, and I know it's time to go (relatively).

But I still hate to have to.

Not Without

On Turning Japanese:   There's a philosophical line that we discussed once in high school that goes something like, if something is real, you cannot destroy it, and if something is not real (and therefore destroyable), then it can never be made real. (The continuation of that being, the human soul/God-consciousness is real, but material is not, etc. etc.)

So likewise, sometimes I think, you cannot become something you weren't already. So if I seem to an onlooker to be 'turning Japanese,' actually to me I feel like I always was a little bit Japanese. Which doesn't make any ancestral sense, so maybe just in the way that a person is or may be a little bit anything, or everything.


Aaaaanyway, now that that is cleared up, I'd like to turn to the other side of the coin, the things we do not "learn to live without" forever, being people.

As you know, I went to Amerika! And it was culture shocking! But that's not all it was. I got to see old friends, and have some new experiences. One of them was Isthmus Fest. This is a yearly gathering of AP kids from our high school, and this was my first year in attendance. People came from all over the place, close as right there in Georgia, far as New York, Yellowstone, Ohio, Japan. We built a fire on the isthmus and watched the Milky Way move overhead until it was 4am. I saw more shooting stars over that lake than I have in a long time. It was nice to hear the AP kids talk and argue and reminisce. We fled when we noticed the water was rising, and retired to the actual campsite to steal a few Zs beneath the dawn.

Josh ascertains that the isthmus is exposed.

From 2011_07_30

"the safest place for a fire, EVER"

From 2011_07_30

Oh what a beautiful mornin'

From 2011_07_30

The next day had us decamping until we were all sitting in folding chairs in a circle, no tents in sight, sipping beers and watching the trees thrash overhead. L and I managed to escape just before the downpour started. It was a good visit. 


My camera died on the Isthmus, so there's nothing photographic after that, until I got back. There were good times though, just hanging out with the family, lots of good foods, seeing people I hadn't seen for years (or a year, but you know), karaoke, dinners and dinners, swimming (goodness, I miss the pool!), driving Jill around, dogs and walks, coffee with cousins, and the hot hot hot of a Georgia August heatwave. L and I went to see Shannon, but she wasn't there.

There's never quite enough time to do everything or spend enough with everyone before it's time to get back to life on schedule in Japan, but that's the way of it. The more of anything you see or touch, the more you realize there is to see and touch.


It's always different, these visits back, and the people with whom time is spent tends to shift around from one year to the next. I mean some people, you see every year, because they are part of that, part of your yearly picture. The people you keep up with, even if only lightly, the people you e-mail and skype, your family. These are the people you make time for, and who make time for you, because you're back, for a limited time only. There are others, who just happen to be in town, just happen to have time for you, and you for them, and at the right time. Still others who were always around, but you never had (made) time for them, but you do, because why not, it's been 7 years, why wait until you are really "back" and it's then 8? 


But the truth is, the thing I look forward to most about being back isn't Mexican food or reasonably priced fruit or palatable beer or even air conditioning, or being able to read everything. It's having a month to hang out and catch up, not just a week. It's being just a car ride or no-more-than-5-hour plane ride from my parents (and their dogs). There are things we learn to live without because we reassure ourselves that we'll have more plenty of them very soon. (This is why homesickness for me isn't an initial thing to get over, but a fatigue.. my insides start to demand, after some time, how long is this so-called very soon, anyway?!)


So that's that thing. For all the very good reasons not to leave Japan (they are numerous and varied), there's one monumental reason not to stay forever. And for all that people teased me and said "What if you fall in love and never come back?" .. well, I always knew I couldn't never come back. Though I did fall in love, with the place itself.

Secret Perks of Speech Contest

So English Speech Contest is coming, and I know it's far too early to be thinking about it (it's October 17th or something), but I have basically already chosen my champion(s), and basically had chosen one of them as early as graduation.

I don't really care about winning, although a win would be nice. I always just want my kids to make a good showing of it, to do well and make me, their parents, and themselves proud. The kids I want to chose are two that are good, they're smart, but more importantly, they work hard, and I feel like I can trust them.

Our school will be hosting the contest this year. What this means for me is, I don't have to be a speech judge (woo!) and I do have to give the model speech.

The model speech!

What happens during the contest is, the kids speak English (or something like that) to the audience, and a Japanese translation of what they are saying is projected onto the wall or a screen off to one side, so their largely Japanese student audience can have some clue as to what the hell is being said.

The same goes for the model speech, if I'm not mistaken.

What this means is, I get three minutes to say something to my school, to all the kids at my school. Not just the ones who can understand English. I don't have to dumb it down in order to say it in my limited Japanese, or in order for them to understand it with their limited English. I don't have to tear my hair out in agony over being scared shitless at attempting to do a whole speech in Japanese in front of a gym full of native speakers. I can march out my secret (terrified, also) little orator and really say something. I can have the freedom of using whatever word is right for the speech, not just whatever word I think they'll know. And it'll all be up there for them to read along as I enthusiastically deliver my message. I can really say what I want to say.

Now I just have to figure out what I want to say.

Travel OK

Copying this straight from the US Embassy email I just got:
U.S. citizens should defer non-essential travel to the following regions:  Tokyo (Tokyo Capital Region), Yokohama (Kanagawa Prefecture), and the prefectures of Akita, Aomori, Chiba, Fukushima, Gunma, Ibaraki, Iwate, Miyagi, Nagano, Niigata, Saitama, Shizuoka, Tochigi, Yamagata, and Yamanashi.

Areas of Japan outside these above regions of concern include:  the islands of Hokkaido, Shikoku, Kyushu, and Okinawa, and the prefectures Aichi, Fukui, Gifu, Hiroshima, Hyogo, Ishikawa, Kyoto, Mie, Nara, Okayama, Osaka, Shiga, Shimane, Tottori, Toyama, Wakayama, and Yamaguchi on the island of Honshu.  Travelers to these prefectures should bear in mind that transit through Narita (Chiba) and Haneda (Tokyo) airports may be required.

This means many systems are go.

In the meantime, it's the last day of the official school year. The office smells strongly of bubblegum.. I think it must be cleaning products. I spend the morning booking Okinawa (dragging those participating Shiso-ites kicking and screaming into the world of planned Golden Week travel) while the tickets are still within our price range, because we've thrown around hypotheticals for at least a month, ohh, Korea? hmm.. Okinawa? The Philippines? Hmm.. But so-and-so has already been there. And someone doesn't have enough money and someone doesn't have enough vacation days, but it's important to me for us to make this trip together because it's the end of the JET year nearly, by then, but it's impossible for anyone to commit to or settle on anything. Fuck that! We're nearly out of time.
I try to look at websites about Kagoshima and fail. I will need to look at a guidebook instead. I consider ordering one on Amazon and decide to just borrow someone else's for this weekend.

I spend the morning in renraku form, playing little miss travel agent for myself and others, e-mailing and messaging in different people's various (idiotic.. no it's not her fault she can't access e-mail at work and uses facebook instead) messages. Lunch I sit and watch the sun on the river. It really is starting to feel like spring. After lunch I get back and have had enough of people who just don't listen.. and I don't mean 'people who just don't agree,' I mean who don't listen to things like facts. I tell them the time, the price. Then they ask again in another e-mail fifteen minutes later. Who can be bothered to scroll up, anyway? I have my fill of it and flee the bubblegum scented stuffy office for the flowerbeds because

I walk up that driveway every day and back down again in the afternoon to catch the bus, and there is one pansy bed among the many that is choked with weeds. The big powerful weeds wrap their coils (and roots, too) around the pitiful flowers, choking the life from them slowly...

So I grab my gloves (which VP gave to me some random day when he asked me to join him in his random job-doing around school) and go down to weeds who do not argue, and do not ask questions, and I rip them out and beat the roots against the rocks to loosen the dirt therein tangled. And the weeds resist, and the flowers do not thank me, still there's satisfaction in the sunshine of it, the dirt, and the warming wind. I think I found my new favorite spring-break-at-work sunny day pastime.

But of course, at some point I really will have to look into what I'm going to hope to do in Kagoshima this weekend. And I really shouldn't slack off on my Japanese studyin'. Maybe I'll do it on the train.

a chance to catch your breath and calm your nerves

I attended the Chinese New Year celebration in Kobe’s Chinatown about a month ago. There was a list of performances and events, and I heck, I enjoy a good nikuman as much as a bit more than the next guy, not to mention the fact that I'm pretty taken with calendars and season changes and measurements and all that.

This year's lunar new year actually coincided with the Japanese celebration Setsubun, which is what I call "halfway back." This is when the sun is halfway back from the solstice in the direction of equinox. So basically, a holiday based on solar calendar lined up with a holiday based on the lunar calendar. I think that's pretty cool, and maybe like a good omen or something.

Lion Dance, Jan. 30th 2011

From 2011_01_30

There were events in Kobe on the Sunday before the 3rd, as well as all weekend following. I went to the "dragon and lion" parades on the early Sunday. It was a cold day, and snow started to fall halfway through the dance. I have a particular connection to the lions, because I think they are shishi. 

They also had blinking eyes and spent some time munching on the crowd by way of bestowing good luck!

From 2011_01_30

I may have written of this before, but they resemble a creature that visited me a in a dream more than ten years ago (before I knew anything about them, really). I later read about the imagery of Shishi and found it to be really close to the behavior of the one in my dream.

Baby!

From 2011_02_05

Shishi generally appear in pairs at the gates of things. They are related to the Shisa of Okinawa, but end up a little different in appearance. Shisa pairs will have one with an open mouth (a) and one with a closed mouth (m). Shishi pairs will have different things under their paws. The female (I think.. this is just coming from memory) will have a cub under her foot, while the male will have a ball. The underfoot cub is not being crushed or killed, but rather pushed, that it will become stronger. The Shishi is a rough parent but a fierce protector; in my dream, she threw me against a stone shrine wall, insisted she was "just fuckin' with ya," and promised to look after me for good. I like seeing Shishi and Shisa alike because they're pretty cool symbols.

From 2011_01_30

From 2011_01_30

One of the luckiest icons, though, is the dragon. Dragons are often seen paired with phoenixes in royal iconography. I saw two different dragons parade in the Motomachi area of Kobe on that Sunday (the 30th of January).

From 2011_01_30

On the following Saturday, Nankinmachi (Kobe's Chinatown) was totally packed. I managed to find my friends eventually, and after watching some acrobatics from afar (which, by the way, were astonishing.. this blue-spandex-clad guy did not so much as tremble while he slowly lifted his body through all manner of contortions high above the crowd on stacked wooden chairs!), we decided to get out of the cold and have a drink and a snack. Snacks on the street are excellent in Nankinmachi, but they only warm your hands for the thirty seconds it takes to consume them.

From 2011_02_05

 

Along the way, we passed a little tent where people were lined up to go offer prayers or wishes and light large sticks of incense (joss sticks) and be greeted by creepily made-up pigs and other characters. I made up my mind instantly that I wanted to do it, and once we had hung out in a pub for a while, I started to proclaim that we should all "get blest!" .. eventually we left in time to see the dragon dance, but I got separated from the group and ended up the only one in line. The others went on to get good seats for viewing the dragon dance.

I waited a little in line, and then when it was my turn, I went up to make my wish(?) and get my picture taken with the brightly clad attendants. I handed my camera to the camera guy and went up to the little temporary shrine. After I had bowed and concentrated on my intentions, I turned to get my photo snapped so I could put the incense in the burner area and go find my friends. But they held me back. Wait a moment, the dragon has to come through.

Can you find our heroine in this picture?

From 2011_02_05

Logistically, the way it was set up, the backstage area was behind the little pagoda-con-shrine, and the stage was right in front of it. People going onstage have to pass the entrance of the shrine. So the dragon was coming through. I was quite pleased. It also happened to be a familiar dragonly face that appeared for this. Double awesome. I signalled the guy holding my camera to take pictures of what was happening, and the dragon dance began.

From 2011_02_05

But that dragon didn't just pass by the entrance of the shrine. It stopped in front of it. Then put its head in there with me. Twice. I had no idea that was going to happen, and I could not have orchestrated that had I tried, but basically I got blessed by a Chinese dragon at the New Year celebration. I think it's a pretty good omen, don't you?

From 2011_02_05

I received an astrology guide to this year from one of my adult students. It's all in Japanese, so I can't really understand most of it, but I did eventually find that according to that, too, it's supposed to be a very good year for me.

It's the year of the Rabbit, the Yin Metal Rabbit to be exact. From what I've heard, rabbit years are always kind of chances to catch your breath after the hectic intensity of the Tiger (but, I guess, before the Dragon which follows?). I thought this was great because even before I knew this, I had made decisions about 2011 that led in this direction. My New Year's Resolution not to do less, but to at least not do more is part of it. I chose to stay in Japan and just plod along for another year, because honestly, the amount of adventure I have and have had lately is enough. I'd become tired of worrying about the future and just wanted to hang out, watch the snow, learn more Japanese, get better at Shorinji, get better at my job, publish more Hyogo Times, and take more calls on PSG. I wanted, this year, to get a handle on all the things I have going on, without needing to go bigger or better.

So if it's a memorable year, if it's an exceptional year, it'll be the little things, maybe. I don't see it as a year of big glittery changes or explosive joys. I see it more like the quiet happiness of having cleaned out the closet. Even when you can't see it, it's satisfying to know it's clean, and that you did it.

Metal sounds a bit sharp and tangy.. but yin is the softer side, the darker side, the restful side. So maybe "relax" is the tall order of the year, and maybe I've gotten a whole lot of good omens suggesting that, despite the difficulty of really doing that, I might just get myself there this year.

The whole move back to America and start a new life (aaagain) thing can wait for the strength of the Yang Water Dragon..!

Not Done Yet

I realize that I made this post without actually saying what I circled, officially, before turning in that form. Maybe I came off as assuming that the answer to that must be obvious to you. I mean, what else could I circle?

I haven't yet.

It's mostly that the form represents a large amount of emotional time. The actual act of circling an option will take me approximately four seconds. Sign, date, turn in. My VP has asked me for it twice and I said I'd give it to him today. What's taking so long?

I tend to sort things in my mind based on both how important/urgent they are (the form is due on the 2nd, so there is no rush), and also how long they will take. Shorter things get done earlier because longer-time stuff puts a greater strain on the urgency/importance of those set behind it. I keep setting the form aside because of its anomalous stature as a thing that takes no time, but a thing that takes forever.

I walked down to the post box today around noon to drop something in the mail. It was go-home time for the kindergarten next door, so lots of young moms were pushing strollers, and little red-pants-wearing kids were swinging umbrellas as the snow fell all around. The snow is silent, the kids are not.. it doesn't accumulate today, not that cold. I live, some days, in a freaking post card.

And I want to push a stroller, too, and I want to walk a little high-pitched voice bearing kid home from school at noon. I want to see what kinds of things that/those kid(s) will be interested in, what they can do, what makes them happy, what makes them scared. I also know that circling "yes" means putting that [less] distant [every year] eventuality on hold.

Every time I look at the form, I get uncertain about whether staying is what I should do.

But the truth of the matter is, I realized, that I don't have to take the weight of what I should do onto that form. There is no way to know yet what I really should do. But I'm pretty sure of what I will do. That's not so hard to guess. There are lots of reasons, some good, some silly; one of them is the ambivalently valuable fact that I am hard put to go against what I said I'd do, even informally, and I'm not good at voting for a non-incumbent. I don't mean that politically.

I tend to stay until the job is done, or until time is up and I am sent away. Few jobs are ever fully done to my satisfaction. Usually it's keep at it, keep after it, til you look up at the clock and it's de-wa, owarimasu, stand up!

And, I like it here. Sometimes I wonder, why should I stay? Other times, how could I ever leave? But I know I will leave (eventually), the same way I know I'll stay, without actually knowing if I "should" or not. The decision is basically made.

But when my VP asks, I just tell him I'm not done yet. Whatever. I've got time.

Easy/Not Easy

It's possibly the simplest form in the world. But not the simplest to respond to.

Will you stay with me? Circle yes or no.

Food for Fear

In the morning before work I generally use the internet a little bit. Check the weather, maybe my horoscope, glance at email. I peruse a bit more carefully if I’m going to elementary school that day and will thus be without internet access (or, really, time to look at the internet anyway). This morning I downloaded some stuff I had been ignoring for a while.. my winter trip flight itinerary (in case I wanted to do some plannin’ in my downtime at school), the recontracting forms I’m not sure are for me (they might be just for high-school JETs).

Those damn things are due February 4th! That’s like, way soon.

As I was driving to school today (totally against the rules, but I can’t find my bus card, and the buses would be too late to make my connections anyway because of construction down by the river) I watched the wind tear through the woods and toss leaves around, stared at the tree branches lifting over grey stone garden walls, and considered that I might stay another year. Of course this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while, and my leanings have changed more deeply than I’d thought they might.

Being away for another year would be hard. But for me, “it’s difficult” almost goes on the list of reasons to do a thing, rather than not do it. I’m a bit ruthless when it comes to what I expect of myself. The idea of turning away from a task, project, or anything because “it’s hard” is appalling. I expect far greater things of myself than that.

Although doing something just because it’s difficult is pretty stupid, I sometimes think that I operate that way anyway. Maybe I think things that are difficult are more meaningful because they come with struggle. You get out of a thing what you put into it.. you know, chemical equations, college, life, etc. So not only have you gotta give what you do your best shot, you’ve got to be in a place that demands a lot of you.

Until, of course, you grow out of that horrible phase of treating yourself so harshly, and give yourself a damn break.

You may recall a weekend in September when I went white water rafting. There was a point at which people got out of their boats and jumped off high rocks into the water. It took only a little coaxing from the raft guides to get me onto the third rock (the highest, I guess? I think there was one more higher) before anyone had jumped off of it yet. It was absolutely freaking petrifying. The prep, the jump, the fall, the water-hitting, every moment of the experience of flinging myself from a rock 12 meters above the river was a study of how to be EmLem, scared.

I knew it would be, because of a day I spent at the Lawrence pool when I lived there. One afternoon at the tail end of summer, I took myself there while Dre was at work. I lay about, disappointed that the lily pads were not only too small for me, but closed. I shrugged and thought I’d try the high dive. I was surprised to find that it was terrifying. There’s something horrible about the moment of free fall, when you’re not strapped to anything or belted in to any contraption, just you, mostly naked, falling through the air. I knew, logically, that it was safe. I knew this even better after doing it.. there I was, I’d survived, there was no harm (besides bathing suit wedgie). But after doing it once, the memory of that moment of midair panic was much more salient. I pulled myself out of the water, wanting to do it again; I was so interested in my own terror that I wanted to recreate that contrast between intense fear and known safety.

That day, I jumped off the high dive again and again. The midair fear never lessened, never went away. It was much more intense above the river because I had way too much time to look down, realize what I was doing, and not have a single ounce of control over any of it at that point.

And the reason I do these things to myself, I think, is partly that one of my greatest fears is fear. And I know that’s kind of played out by now. The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, etc. Harry Potter and the boggart in the wardrobe, so on and so forth. But what I’ve always been afraid of is missing out on something, missing an opportunity, wasting something, something like time, like life. And I know somewhere deep that fear is one ugly bastard that will stand between you and the fulfillment of your potential, between you and the breadth and depth of experience you should be able to have in your life. And I won’t have it. I won’t stand for that shit. I have to defy fear because I need to know I can best it daily. If I can’t beat it in the little things, how on earth can I hope to top it in the big?

I’m sure that’s all very ironic. The end result is, sometimes I work harder, not smarter. Sometimes I do stuff just because it’s hard.

Concludio: Oktober is Over

Well, the windy skies of October have given way to the brisk breezes of November! Actually.. it's much warmer today than it was last week. I had a great birthday and felt all the love from back home. My birthday weekend consisted of Halloween party time and some restful downtime at home. I even got restless and wanted to go running.. but it started raining (which I wanted it to do because of the plants I'd put in the backyard).

One of my dead trees finally fell down in a storm sometime back, so I stuck a little sweet-olive tree in its place. I love those trees, and they smell so good in September. I've also put in pansies, and they're multiplying. I want something pretty to climb the fence by the road, because it currently is just a gross, bent, rusty, peeling green paintjob of a thing.

I'm still fighting the good fight in my head about staying or not staying a 3rd year.

Work last week was a lot more elementary than usual, and even in middle school I was giving the same powerpoint pantomime spiel. I got pretty tired of that presentation. I watched the opening song from Nightmare Before Christmas about 23 times in one week. Halloween activities abound, but how do you attempt to encapsulate this weird holiday for kids who have no experience whatsoever of its traditions? Nightmare Before Christmas is actually, I think, a good component, since it playfully embodies so much of the scary spirit of Halloween!

This week is going to be, secretly, kind of awesome, because work is not at all the same old. Today kind of is, but tomorrow, instead of elementary, we have SPEECH CONTEST. I'm really excited about it this year, despite having to be a judge (I hate being a judge). My kids are rock stars and even if they don't win, I'm really proud of them. Practicing with them has been fun, and their teacher (Mikan-sensei) has been a champion too. South Yamasaki JHS started practice for speech contest, as usual, back in like July or some crap.. but even for all that, there is some chance my kid might win the whole thing.

Wednesday is a holiday, but we're working the Furusato matsuri, aka International Festival? ..it's in Ichinomiya this year, which means a lot closer to civilization (last year was Chikusa). Instead of being hot-dog group (America 2) or ice-cream group (America 1), I'm poutine group (Canada)! There are so many American ALTs in Shiso that we figured 4 to each group, and then I would help out the one Canadian. ^_^ I rather think it'll be fun.

Then Thursday, instead of elementary, I get to just be an accessory to the show-our-Sequim-girl-around gig. I was just told what this will mean. While last year it meant sitting in the back of a couple classrooms fretting over the way my-life-the-sitcom had just taken a TURN, this year it means playing games with the third years, then going to a nearby shrine or temple ("or something"), then going out to lunch with the kid and principal before visiting Iwa Jinja, then going up the Somegochi valley to make soba.

Sequim is the sister city of Shiso. It's in Washington state, and is a tiny mountainy town kind of like this one. Every year we do an exchange of third-years/ninth graders. A couple of my favorite girls went over to Sequim in early October, and now the Sequim group is coming here. From what I understand, they spend the first several days touring Kyoto and Tokyo and what have you, before coming to Shiso in time for speech contest, International fest, etc.

Friday, it'll be back to the grind, or.. back to small elementary, which is a beautiful and charming place.

Thursday, I stopped by Shorinji Kempo on my way to Salamander, and met Shiso's first ALT (circa 1991) who was there with his wife and daughter. They all live in Washington now, but had come back for a visit.

Over the weekend, I watched some more of the Amazing Race and downloaded last year's application forms. I rediscovered smart.fm and am using it to study Japanese and the countries of the world. I am still working on concepts for our three minute audition video.

I was a kitsune for Halloween/my birthday (because it just fits, right?) and had a lovely time in Himeji! I am now also the proud owner of a hot glue gun, a rarity in Japan.

I have discovered the wonder that is black tea (especially Earl Grey) brewed a bit strong with some milk mixed in. Happiness in a cup?

I'm sure I forgot something, but that's the view from here!

I Create Monsters.

You might have seen this coming a mile off. Or, at least I did. I've got a sore throat.

Which is, of course, often a precursor to something like a cold.

I'd blame the change of season, if it were to blame.

But I'm young and spry, and I almost never get sick without having pushed myself too far outside my ability to function. The monster, this time, is my schedule again. You might recognize it from its predecessor, My College Schedule, which made for an impressive resume but also left me a bit unstrung from time to time.

I'm still working on putting together the blog posts from my last two (long) weekends; it takes a lot of time to get all the photos going, really.

Autumn came right on schedule. I mean on September 23rd, the temperature plummeted. If you look at photos from Kiso (September 18th weekend) you will see us in shorts; it was hot. On the 23rd, down in Shikoku (which is a decent distance to the south), I at least found myself wishing I'd brought more than just my single pair of afterthought-sweatpants.

But it's not just weekends out that'll be kicking in. It's the workaday week, too. I am back to four-to-six classes a day (except Wednesday, on which day I magically expect to catch up on all deskwork.. including planning my next trip and recapping the last one), and I'm still re-adjusting to that workload.

My problem is not new to me. I've always wanted to do/see/try everything. And I've always been too easy to rope into things, too. It may seem like I've only added Shorinji Kempo to my life, which is just one night a week, but actually there is a lot going on.

Autumn is a beautiful season in Japan, and so I want to spend as much time as I can out enjoying it, whether that is traveling to other cities and exercising my inner tourist or taking walks and exploring, observing the more local seasonal change. Also, autumn means that winter is coming. Winter in Japan blows in general, but apparently this year is due to be super-suck harsh (La Nina or something... efff), so my hope is to escape at least for a little while into warmer climes like Thailand or Malaysia. All of which will require planning, sooner rather than later if I want to spend less than 1.5 fortunes on it.

I was totally slacking off on my Hyogo Times duties, so I've tried to get back in the swing of actually doing my editing job. I'm also writing for the HT more than I was before (but not, of course, more than I ought to be.. I want to continue to contribute writing to the HT). What? You didn't know I was the second-editor of the prefectural monthly newspaper for JETs? Come on, of course I am.

I like writing, and I want to keep this blog up regularly. I also want to keep reading the stuff I profess to read on my blogroll (confession: have not read any of that stuff for like three weeks, serious). I was recently given the key to the Impetuous Windmills blog (I guess since I was such a master of highbrow in that podcast ^_~) but of course I have not yet produced any content for that. I also was hoping to write a short story for a writing group I sort of faux joined a while back which never seemed to be meeting on a day when I was free.....

Lots of things interest me. Another is psychology; I'm a pretty good listener. So I signed up as a volunteer for the AJET Peer Support Group back in the summer. Now I'm trained, although they have invited me to a Prefectural Advisor conference in Tokyo in a couple weeks, and of course I'm going. I only man the phone lines for this once or twice a month, though it's an overnight affair.

And I really do want to improve my Japanese. It's not bad, right now, passable. I've been trying to stay on top of solidifying my kanji (still right there at 508 kanji, and since classes started.. a lot less desk time to sit there and write kanji words to learn) so I can, you know, read. I go to Japanese class on Wednesday nights (it includes dinner, so this is a lot less stressful than Tues or Thurs which require me to somehow make dinner before going wherever). Today was the last day to apply for the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I looked over the application and decided to let it go.

And there's still ikebana, and my adult class (which is getting better but has been a big stressor, as I want to do a Good Job, and have never been sure quite how to go about that, with this). Both Thursday night. Thursdays are still 5th and 6th grade at big elementary, which are still kind of a bear.

Fridays are four classes, but more relaxed because it's just the same thing four times (all third-years/9th graders)... Mondays are first and second years, so I do two of each (it's tougher to switch because you have to switch materials as well as mindsets).

Tuesdays are six classes if I am at big elementary, five at small. It's a long day, and I like to shock my fellow JETs with those numbers, because almost no one else works that much, and especially not with any regularity. I'm not complaining, really, because I would much rather feel like I am working and accomplishing something than sit around. Part of the problem with the JET program is that schools don't know how to use their ALTs, but I'm pretty sure my school(s) have figured it out. I know I don't really have any place to complain, both because compared to what some people do (and what most people in Japan do), I don't work that hard; also the rest of my beastly schedule is, as you see, of my own creation.

In my spare time, I've been doing things like, you know, dishes, or laundry, and reading before bed and on the bus.

But I went for a walk today in Seino, which is a little hamlet by the river about halfway home from work. It was nice to just take in the smells of autumn and say hello to the old people who seemed totally shocked to have a gaijin-san (yeah they actually called me that to my face ^_^;;) wandering through.

Then, because it was Friday night, I de-disgusting-ed the bathroom full force. Holla.

Keep looking forward to the Kiso and Shikoku posts. They were kickass weekends and I hope to do justice by them.

I have recently considered a career in travel planning/travel writing. I mean, if someone would pay me to do that... well hell.

It bothers me, because I want to do a lot of things. But I also want to do whatever I do very well. And the more things you do, the less you can devote to each thing. It's just mathematics. It's just how many hours in a day, and how many weeks in a season.

Alas.

Out of This World

I’ve reclaimed my commute.

When I first arrived here, I was totally stunned by it. You trundle past waving rice stalks and quaint-looking houses and uniformed elementary kids all in a line, cross over beautiful clear-flowing rivers and then run alongside them north through the mountains.

About a month ago, my commute was (surprise?) not so startling anymore. I mean, it’s a commute. You make it every day. And at that time, it was still summer vacation; after that day I was four hours late, it became very hard to motivate myself to catch my morning bus. So I’d trudge to my car, climb aboard, and navigate myself upriver in a haze of wishing I were still abed, instead of northbound on 29, about to spend a good chunk of hours doing just whatever.

But I’m back; today was my first day of middle-school classes of the new semester. And on the bus I read, or sit and look out the window. Every piece of town I peer at in passing makes me think, it’s going to suck to leave this place.

I mean, I know I can’t make a life here forever, but for a moment there it seemed kind of silly to think of coming all the way here, doing whatever it is we do, and then tearing ourselves out of it again.

Furthermore, the kids we love best will graduate and go away, and ever flower will fade and fall off, and even the co-workers we like will be transferred eventually, or move to new cities, or make new lives. You can’t really stay in any place, because a place is also tied to a time, and time will never quit changing on you.

Of course I think about whether I should stay a third year. Have I mentioned it? I might have. I think about it a lot. Like all the time, it’s quietly at the back of my mind, quietly hanging out. I’m not worried about it yet, or about the way I some days feel like I know, and some days don’t. I am making an honest effort to follow my heart, but let’s be honest and admit that sometimes my heart has made choices my head can only conclude are STUPID.

I’m not worried because I’m convinced that by constantly weighing the yes against the no, the stay against the go, I will just know by the time February rolls around.

For now, better to just enjoy the advent of the first coolish day of fall, without the pressure of thinking it’s the last fall I’ll have here, nor the promise (and therefore excuse) that there will be many more.

Ready or Not

As I get ready to leave Japan tomorrow (to visit the US), I feel very secure in my decision to stay a second year. I’ve watched the rice fields grow this time from little sprigs to nearly the height I remember from when I first got here. Everything that seemed so mysterious and new now has a backstory, a lead-up for the follow-through.. but it’s all still pretty mysterious again. I’ve decided that of Japan’s five seasons, I dislike the cold ache of winter and the lethargy of the rainy season, but the other three are actually not so bad, even the disgusting heat of August and summer. The anniversary of my arrival will come and go while I am in the US enjoying those things that I miss while I am here, but I am not yet ready to leave.

But I very rarely am. For the first time in a long time, it’s summer and I am not packing to move. Leaving any place is hard for me, and I almost always make it to the end of any thing in a scattered frenzy of last-minute packing and cleaning and barely making that insert-mode-of-transportation-here on time. I used to imagine that one day, when I am more grown-up, I will be fully ready well in advance and sit stoic for the change to descend on me. But I think that this, like the idea of getting ‘ahead’ on my ‘work’ is an illusory pipe dream, a nice hope, but never realistic. So I’m just going to have to do the best I can whenever I come to any big change or ending to minimize messiness without sacrificing meaning.

I get bogged down in the details. Because the details are what really mean stuff to me.

And even though I’m not having to pack all my earthly possessions and move (back) to a whole new continent, this week is still hard (in its own wholesome way). Stuff is still changing.

There is the more immediate/intense change that goes like, once I get back in a couple short weeks, half of my town’s JETs will be new people, and of the leavers, Heke and Big Brother will be long gone, with The Cat right about to follow on their heels.

And even if it were the same party-all-the-time group I’ve come to love, of Shiso ladies (and Brother), we’re also affected by the slower change of the turning of the year. Not one of us is the same person she (or he) was when I landed in Tokyo. Why should we want to be? Loss is both natural and inevitable. It’s just the piratical side of change, to which the upswing is new opportunity, and new people, places, and ideas to explore.

Even as I type this, cranes are lifting construction materials out of trucks and into piles on our outdoor field. I knew they were going to start work on our school building “soon,” but I had no idea it was going to literally be today. No wonder they made us move our shoes and start using a different entrance! I’m sure that by the time I get back, my workplace will even look different. C’est la vie.

When I return I’ll have plenty of time to clean out my desk and plan for the coming year (since I won’t need to spend that time reading all the materials I got from orientation/my predecessor), visit some club activities (since I won’t be paranoid/confused about where I am or am not allowed to go around here) and maybe even show some kids how much I suck at their respective sports, read novels, and maybe ..maybe even write more! Yay for summer vacation, right?

Ready or not.. it starts now.

By no means at all

I briefly flirted with the idea of being a hacker. This was terminated when I was informed that I would have to download and install an entire new operating system in order to steal internet from the staff room. I wanted to take it quietly, but that sounds like a lot of work. I am just not that technically savvy, although I may happen to have friends in those places…

I thought I was pretty clever until last night when someone told me that every ALT has internet except me. This pushed me to the breaking point of lameness and required that I start opening cans of complain-til-someone-fixes-this-shit at work. I am currently recovering from that cold, so that helps me be a little less patient and a little more like, omgwtf can you just do this one thing to make my life better?! kthx.

So even though everyone is holy-crap busy all the time, I decided to ask Mikan-sensei. But when I got to school, he just looked so damn overworked (because he is) that I decided to ask the VP instead. The VP is always engaging me in deceptive conversation which leads me to believe his English is basically my English, but actually, it’s not (go figure).. he sounds very natural most of the time, so it makes me feel all confused and not-listened-to when he doesn’t immediately get what I am saying, which is actually a fairly frequent occurrence. Anyway, I figure if the VP regularly has time to ask me about movie quotes, he can totally take a few minutes to re-bless my laptop with the gift of internet and save me the trouble of downloading linux to haxor it.

My recourse of late has been offline gmail (which I kind of love for some reason) and then knowing that any really important information (should anyone choose to share any of that with me) could be communicated via cell-phone email/textmessage. Which is another lame way to say, I was reduced to cellphone email for my connection to the outside world between the hours of 7:15am and 4:50pm.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

But today? Today I FORGOT MY CELL PHONE on its charger and so even though I did march up to the VP and ask, no really, is there any way I can get internet on my computer? And even though the technically inclined teacher checked it out, and even though they called the BOE to get the password (because apparently the BOE has that, and people here do not, or some crap), the computer guy at the BOE has the day off today (and we all know what a “day off” means… he is either at home sick or he is retaking the driving test for the 45th time, etc. UNLESS he is like Miss Piggy-sensei who just has every Wednesday off…) so I do not have internet either.

I started out thinking I would slowly progress toward having internet by any means necessary, but I ended up (NOT) having it today.. by no means at all.

Fail.

Her name is China, and she’s beautiful.

And she, too, will change my life, but I feel like I say that about so much lately, it’s becoming a cliché.

Today the planets aligned, my motivation, cashflow, and ability to let go/make decisions all took exactly the right positions, and I biked to Jusco for toilet paper, knowing full well toilet paper doesn’t fit well in my bike basket.

In my old bike basket.

Originally, all I wanted was a bicycle not entirely made out of rust.

Okay so this isn’t actually a photo of my old bike in reality…

But after the Himeji ride and my extended borrowing of MiriJET’s bike, and after the weather began to change, I began to hurt for the bent-wheeled rusty creaky thing that was my bike. I had inherited it from Predecessor, who got it as a hand-me-down from one of the BOE people. Nice.

A few things began to up the stakes. One of them was the Himeji ride. My rental bike, for starters, on both the pre-ride and ride days was so much nicer than my old one. On this bike, I rode an estimated 25 kilometers. And it didn’t make me sore, or feel outside of my ability level. (Granted, I did it all over the course of a whole day)

The ride also brought me into contact with people who bike their commutes. A thing I would have considered unreasonable for myself, except that IllustratorJET’s commute is pretty much the same time as mine (his train, mine bus, both 20 min).

And, I see my boys doing it all the time.

Early on, it was just the badass crew. My graduated new HS students biking from the place where I work to around where I live. It warmed my heart every time I saw them from the bus window, in their little solidarity cluster, Ichinan freshmen.

But all of this broadened my ideas of what you can use a bike for, how far it can reasonably take you, and what that can mean.

When I first got Robin Red, I expressed joy at the newfound freedom. And indeed, I wouldn’t want to give her up. But I wanted to be able to explore more of the tiny roads and sprawling township around where I live. I wanted to be able to set off without a real destination, just to see where I could get to. Walking was too slow, driving too fast and nerve-racking on those tiny roads where you are going too slow for everyone if you don’t know what is up. If you’re biking, you don’t need a reason; you aren’t wasting gas and you aren’t in the way. You move faster than you can on your own, but you’re not inside of anything, so you feel the air move by and you’re really in it. Sort of like ground-flying.

Partly because of Jermaine, I began to think of biking as my go-to for how to spend a pretty afternoon. Pretty afternoons began to increase in frequency.

I did a little biking before, in Nashville which is in my memory Made Entirely of Hills (and so I’m confused to imagine it flooded—that shit is just surreal!).. which is probably why I think going for a bike ride requires more energy than you have and leaves you sore for days. And sometimes that is good. But I was seeking a different kind of freedom.

So I began to ask around, get information and ideas. I began to expand the image of what I wanted in this new bike of mine. More than just a shiny version of the old one (which is what I did when I replaced my camera this past week), I might want something with gears to handle the hills, a back basket for weight; when I went to the bike store in Himeji I discovered that they make lights that don’t make it even more of a fight to pedal because they are charged by an internal device in the wheel base (or something). I began to worry and obsess that the nearby Jusco or Namba would not have what I now required. I became convinced that I needed to get it from this sweet bike shop in Himeji.

This was a totally impractical plan because although their staff was great and the were clearly tip top in knowhow and selection, Himeji is about an hour drive. Robin Red, while lovely, is not big enough for a bike. The Asahi commitment to service and accessibility is such that they loan out a little K-truck to let people get their bikes home. But that would total up to like 4 hours of driving on whatever day I would want to get the bike. I looked at that prospect with sad horror and put it off and got scared and worried and obsessed and watched every pretty day go by with hungry eyes.

Until today when I said, enough. All I want is a glorified momochari anyway (I don’t actually know what that term means, only I think it refers to your classic standard bike that everyone has and which I also had in rusty form). I am going to get toilet paper and see, just SEE if there is nothing at all in Jusco that fits my minimum requirement.

She stood, tall and six-speed and glorious, and once I got the basket installed and the seat adjusted to my height, I felt like I could actually lean back like a gangsta with one hand on the wheel.

She is a CADILLAC OF BICYCLES.

Sooner, rather than later, I needed her in my life.

The View from Friday, or Because shit is worth doin’.

Well, it’s Friday again, and you know what that means!

Actually, with the way the end of the school year is changing all the schedules, it does not necessarily mean anything at all.

But, it’s bright and pretty warm, so the window is open. I’m dressed down in my KU fan gear because of NCAA stuff happening far away (Vandy.. I heard the tales.. I am saddened). I spent the first part of the morning cleaning my desk, wiping off all the dust and organizing the binders. The sum total effect is it feels like a college weekend, right now. In which I would be at my desk a lot, but pleasantly so.

I didn’t have any classes to teach today, and yesterday’s intro to a third of the incoming 6th graders (I’m heretofore assigning animals to the classes to differentiate them so I don’t have to keep saying ‘current whatever-years, about to be nantoka-years’), or FROGS class, went really well. Awesome-sensei had approached my desk on Wednesday to ask if I would teach English with him to elementary students. For just an instant I thought he was personally informing me that he had been transferred to one of my elementary schools in the end-of-year teacher swap, but I soon realized he meant just the one class on Thursday afternoon.

Which I planned and prepped and which went off more or less without a hitch..! I am absolutely floored by his ability to interact with a class, somehow simultaneously joking with them and putting them at ease, and not taking any crap from them, expecting nothing lower than his exacting standard. Although Awesome-sensei has been difficult for me to work with at times, doing this class with him reminded me that his nickname comes from somewhere.

But I’d been looking forward to today for a long time. My first class-free day, without plans for the next day or even next week? Sounds like time to clean my desk! And catch up on a lot of things I had put off.

One of those was “look into PEPY riiiide”.. because one day I innocently inquired when and where the Hyogo-ken charity bike event would be held, if you please, though I have little biking experience or knowhow, and ended up being asked if I wouldn’t like to organize it myself!

As of yesterday I was thinking, oh yeah right. And honestly, I don’t think I could do it by myself. My initial reaction upon reading a bit more about the event and thinking about doing it was to ask Big Brother JET if he wanted to co-lead with me, but that makes little to no sense, because he has a marathon on the weekend the ride is supposed to take place.

So I asked The Illustrator JET what he knew about it, since I knew he biked to Himeji from time to time, and Himeji would be a lovely city in which to hold this ride… were it to occur.

But he immediately was able to tell me about last year’s ride, in which he was a participant, and ways he thought we might be able to schedule and plan it. I know very little about Himeji and bike riding, but I’m more than willing to do some of the legwork. I’m not very good at research, but I am good at planning when I put my mind to it. Plus I’m at the stage of my Japanese language learning experience where I see trying to make bike rental reservations as a fun, potentially impossible challenge and not an impossible task. It’s been a while since I put together a group event, and on this sunny Friday afternoon, doing it seems like a very good thing.

I intend to evaluate the route and plan as we formulate it as though it were my personal ambitious afternoon.. Where would I want to stop, what would I want to see or visit? This is probably not a bad idea, since I personally am not in super-biking-shape, but I am eager to get out there and try it. All of this is going down (weather permitting) April 17th, maybe with room to push back a day or a week for weather reasons. I’ll write about it more as it comes together. Today’s brainstorm mostly only washed out a “yeah, let’s do this,” and notions of beginning near the station where there is a handily located bike rental place, and talk of Shosha-zan around lunchtime.

In other news, my weekend-event schedule was changed without warning yesterday when my Kyoto-sensei informed me that the Okayama enkai to which I so looked forward was not any longer an Okayama enkai, but a Shingu enkai. And rather than an overnight stay (see: mental visions of carousing and karaoke late into the night, inexplicable images of poker games in a smoky room), the women are all leaving that evening. And I was like, where the hell is Shingu? Who is this bag?! What about my plans to spend the rest of the weekend in Okayama City’s environs?

But the view from this Friday is? It’s going to be great anyway.

Coming weekends:

3/19 – Three day weekend Tokyooo!
3/26 – Non-Okayama enkai and subsequent Himeji-area/Shiso weekend
4/2 – Okinawaaaaaa (from the 1st to the 5th)
4/9 - (take a deep breath)
4/17 – PEPY riiiide!
4/24 – Pepy uberrain date; 25th Hanshin Tigers baseball if I can get off the waiting list and onto the ticketholders list…
4/28 – leave for Hong Kong, return 5/4.

Re-Contracting

Two weeks ago, the decision was due as to whether one would continue on another year as a JET, or not. I just realized I have not written about that yet!

I said yes, of course, I want to stay. I've rehearsed all the reasons, but the basic underlying notion is that when I imagine that I only have six months left in Japan, I feel terrible. I feel choked and trapped and desperate. It is simply not enough time to do all that I want to do here. (This is not a surprise; I doubt there ever will be, for any place)

I briefly considered not recontracting based on my reaction to leaving the US after Christmas, but ultimately, that very reaction was an echo of the same symptoms. I didn't want to leave because I had more I wanted to do, more people I wanted to see, and in general, more I wanted to say. The difference is, I'm not planning to live in Japan for 'the rest of my life.' Once this gig is over, it's over. And when a gig is this sweet, you've got to really work it for what it's worth. This opportunity is a goldmine and I'm not done yet.

What, to have only one autumn in Japan, and it already be over? To have only one Japan spring to look forward to? And only one year of trying to remember names and faces and impart some English verbs to these students? Only one year of the ridiculous stupidity I've displayed? I should stay if only to validate those lessons learned..!

Honestly, the question in my mind had been more of whether I would stay just two years, or three. ^_^ This, however, is not a big deal, as I don't have to make decisions like that for some time, and I am sure I will be equipped to do so when the time comes.

Even though I more or less knew I would stay, I basically refused to say as much. I take commitments pretty seriously (it's just a personality thing I have), so I am not going to say "I'm staying," until the paperwork is turned in. I don't like to go back on my word or decisions, so if there is even a grain of a chance that I will change my mind, then I won't deliver sentence.

Now that the decision is officially made, and only major understandable catastrophe will prevent it, I can say, I've decided to stay.

I have no idea how I'll feel a year from now. One drawback to this time schedule is that everything could change in April. They rotate teachers around the school system after they've been in a place for around 5 or 6 years, and from what I understand, two of my three JTEs are pushing that limit. I could have two totally new people to work with once April gets here. I might get really awesome and engaging co-teachers. I might get teachers who SUCK [at working with me and using me effectively in their classes]. Either way, I am predicting that I will lose at least one of my partners in English.

This change in April isn't just English teachers, of course. They move VPs and principals too. I'm pretty sure to keep them, and Mikan-sensei (the guy who is kind of like my keeper, and of the three, my favorite co-teacher).. but I am aware that a shift in personnel means a shift in the entire feel of an office environment. I could go from a happy and laid-back office to an office full of xenophobes without even leaving my desk..!

This was calculated in my decision to stay. I'm glad I get to keep Mikan-sensei, and for the rest I'll just have to take my chances in the mystery wall.

This is just one thing that can contribute to a complete change of heart between my decision date 2010 and decision date 2011. I'm sure you'll know which way the wind is blowing as the seasons change.

A mini-update on Jermaine: I killed him quietly on Wednesday night because I thought that surely after a week and a half, he was too disgusting to go on, and also that the wound underneath must be MOSTLY HEALED BY NOW. The first: true; the second: not so much. What ha' happen' was, It began to heal really well from the outer edge inward, and I guess planned to meet in the middle once it healed its way there. So the middle was (is) like this horrible gross wound and the outer edge is almost fully healed..! I had the nurse approve of the disgusting shade of gross that the wound happens to be (I wanted the pink of new-healed flesh and I get the red of.. well..)...

Every day is field day

Well if I haven't been just swamped with nonessential work!

Still, "Sports Day" is Sunday, so perhaps after that, things will settle into some kind of routine. I want to write about elementary school, and also about sports day practice. Unfortunately, things like sports day practice are taking ALL of my time and requiring me to go stand outside for hours on end.

Yes, I remembered to bring sunscreen. Today, anyway. I've totally given up on dressing professional for work and have traded in my skirt and blouse for a t-shirt, yoga pants, and one of my various hats.

After things like sports day practice, which is the opposite of sitting at my desk with free time to lesson-plan, study Japanese, read teaching theory, blog, etc., all I want to do is go home and lie around. But I still have to do those elementary plans, and eikaiwa (Salamander) too! And get ready for my first middle school lesson.. which has yet to occur. It's due up on the 16th. After that, I should be teaching about four classes a day (out of six possible time periods), so I'll find a kind of rhythm.


So if you're expecting a letter, a phone call, a skype date.. keep expecting. It should be better soon. So I tell myself.

In the meantime, I got a car, and am making decisions like, should I go home for Christmas, or to Thailand? Can I do either of those with friends on their way to visit ME? Should I go to Tokyo, Kyoto, or Korea for September break? Should I stay a second year?

All this, and more.. while I stand in the hot sunshine wishing for Sunday.