Ready or Not

As I get ready to leave Japan tomorrow (to visit the US), I feel very secure in my decision to stay a second year. I’ve watched the rice fields grow this time from little sprigs to nearly the height I remember from when I first got here. Everything that seemed so mysterious and new now has a backstory, a lead-up for the follow-through.. but it’s all still pretty mysterious again. I’ve decided that of Japan’s five seasons, I dislike the cold ache of winter and the lethargy of the rainy season, but the other three are actually not so bad, even the disgusting heat of August and summer. The anniversary of my arrival will come and go while I am in the US enjoying those things that I miss while I am here, but I am not yet ready to leave.

But I very rarely am. For the first time in a long time, it’s summer and I am not packing to move. Leaving any place is hard for me, and I almost always make it to the end of any thing in a scattered frenzy of last-minute packing and cleaning and barely making that insert-mode-of-transportation-here on time. I used to imagine that one day, when I am more grown-up, I will be fully ready well in advance and sit stoic for the change to descend on me. But I think that this, like the idea of getting ‘ahead’ on my ‘work’ is an illusory pipe dream, a nice hope, but never realistic. So I’m just going to have to do the best I can whenever I come to any big change or ending to minimize messiness without sacrificing meaning.

I get bogged down in the details. Because the details are what really mean stuff to me.

And even though I’m not having to pack all my earthly possessions and move (back) to a whole new continent, this week is still hard (in its own wholesome way). Stuff is still changing.

There is the more immediate/intense change that goes like, once I get back in a couple short weeks, half of my town’s JETs will be new people, and of the leavers, Heke and Big Brother will be long gone, with The Cat right about to follow on their heels.

And even if it were the same party-all-the-time group I’ve come to love, of Shiso ladies (and Brother), we’re also affected by the slower change of the turning of the year. Not one of us is the same person she (or he) was when I landed in Tokyo. Why should we want to be? Loss is both natural and inevitable. It’s just the piratical side of change, to which the upswing is new opportunity, and new people, places, and ideas to explore.

Even as I type this, cranes are lifting construction materials out of trucks and into piles on our outdoor field. I knew they were going to start work on our school building “soon,” but I had no idea it was going to literally be today. No wonder they made us move our shoes and start using a different entrance! I’m sure that by the time I get back, my workplace will even look different. C’est la vie.

When I return I’ll have plenty of time to clean out my desk and plan for the coming year (since I won’t need to spend that time reading all the materials I got from orientation/my predecessor), visit some club activities (since I won’t be paranoid/confused about where I am or am not allowed to go around here) and maybe even show some kids how much I suck at their respective sports, read novels, and maybe ..maybe even write more! Yay for summer vacation, right?

Ready or not.. it starts now.

Once Upon A Time, I kept a blog…

Well! The first half of July was kind of a slog. Once you’re tired of something, more of it just makes you kind of.. even slower, or less motivated, or at least it does me! Now that the rain has rolled back and summer is here (as of this Friday, basically), it’s hot as blazes but that’s okay. I may have to start watering my tomatoes in the swelter, but at least I don’t have to worry about running out of clothes before I get a chance to do laundry..! (Laundry takes a sunny day, usually.. because even if you dry your clothes inside with a fan, they smell funny if they take too long in the warm humidity..)

I’ve been spending the last few days half on cleaning and half on getting out. It’s a three day weekend, but I’m staying in Shiso today just to keep my feet on the ground. I’m still pretty in denial about a lot of things, like how quickly I am leaving for America (don’t worry, I’m definitely looking forward to it, with an almost visceral realism I picture myself there).. only in practical ways am I in denial about that, things like packing and preparing what I will bring with me. I panicked yesterday and bought some souvenirs, but not very many. I guess it’s just summer.. I can worry about presents later, right?

I’m also in denial about the Great Changeover, or the Loss of Many JETs and Arrival of New Ones. A long time ago, I was looking forward to it, because I was excited about the possibility of what the new folks might be like. From there, of course, it was a totally open horizon. They could be ANYONE and so the potential for awesomeness was high. Now I know their names and placements. That isn’t anything really.. they are still completely blank on the radar, but somehow knowing that they are real people puts limits on the future? I don’t know how to explain that.

And I’ve also become more acutely aware, of course, of what we’ll lose here in Shiso. Simply put, I don’t wanna.

July!

Well it’s July. I know that doesn’t mean the rain will stop, necessarily (it wasn’t, you know, in any way dry previous to June anyway); in fact, it probably just means it will get hotter and more uncomfortable. I was waiting to see giant fans appear in classrooms, twin counterparts to the big fiery heaters of winter.

They aren’t coming. And in a way that makes sense. I imagined the awesome whirlwind of flying paper that every room would become if we put fans all over the place. So instead imagine for me the kind of sweltering sauna that will exist if we don’t; I don’t have to imagine it, because I will be experiencing it myself.

June was kind of a rough month, which is unfortunate because I like the way it sounds. Early summer, so full of promise. But the promises kept were bugs, rain, humidity, mold, and summer colds (TWO in one month—coming in pairs I suppose, like the dreaded mukade)… two failed driving tests, too. My first real bout of full-on cultural fatigue!

And let me tell you. I like Japan. I’m glad I’m here. But this week? I HATE JAPAN AND WANT IT TO LEAVE ME THE EF ALONE! It’s too hot. It’s too humid. It lacks proper air conditioning. It hates me because I’m white. Its policies make no damn sense. Its children see no need to learn English and so scoff at my endeavors.

It is weird to me to see the summer arrive in full force like this. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year almost, since I arrived. It’s flown by, really, and yet I know I’m a totally different person (yadda yadda…) both in work and just life in general. I think that’s what made my snap of culture shock so bad. About now, lots of new JETs-to-be are trying to pack and daydreaming about the mysterious far eastern country they are about to invade. And lots of ex-JETs-to-be (that is, the leavers) are packing their stuff, puzzling over shipping rates, and thinking about the stuff they will miss when they have to go.

And I, for eleven months, have enjoyed this place, and mentally defended it against those who would naysay its ways, and found reasonableness in its ridiculous. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the back. I defended you, Japan. And you betrayed me. I bore the sick cold of your winter, and you repay me with a hundred percent humidity and dishes STILL WET in the drying rack after I get home at the end of the day. I dotted every i and crossed every t (figuratively, of course) and took lessons and studied hard for your damn driving test and the “advice” at the end of the second failed attempt was “Winker, Eye, Hand – you are/were (the beauty of Japanese being that you can just leave out the verb) very skilled at this.” (So, why did I fail?) –--“Winker first, then eye, then hand.”

WNFjet said after his first failed test that it was just because they wanted him to fail, they found a reason to fail him. I shook my head, certain that there must have been a reason, no matter how much he didn’t want to admit it. Because I knew I screwed up mine, so I mean, own it when you make a mistake and don’t act like people are out to get you. But maybe they ARE. (I would be, if I were testing WNF; I would be like, ‘you failed because your smarminess level was too high’) I’m totally up for saying “my bad” and “doing my best next time” when I have messed up; this time was really hard because I did a damn good job and still failed. Upsetting.

Pronounced once again unworthy to drive, I hung my head in anger and shame, got into my car, and drove the two hours home. Please tell me the irony hurts you too.

What hurts more is looking at my carefully weighed and considered vacation days and knowing I have to spend another one on this horrible endeavor. I’m hoping I can get out of this.. my VP laughed at me at first when I told him I’d failed, and I gave my It’s Not Funny face. I don’t think I’ve ever pulled that face in this entire good-humored year. He assured me that it’s okay to take vacation days during August since it is summer vacation. I vehemently expressed my desire not to. I asked about last year’s random Obon festival days off. Whether we’d get such days this year, and when, and if I could have him help me reschedule my test (since the instructions for doing so are all in Japanese) for such days off. He told me not to think about it so seriously. “The summer vacation is.. you know. Summer vacation.” This cryptic statement gives me hope.

So I’m scheduled for my THIRD TIME’S THE CHARM test after I get back from MY summer vacation (literally, “getting out of someplace” – I’ll be going to the US. Also, after the 1st of August I cannot legally drive and will be taking buses/trains to the test)… and I’m rather looking forward to the break. I also envy the kids their POOL class period when they have it. Damn.

Also, June is maybe the only unfortunate month in this country without a national holiday. Bring on July! Except the part where half my town’s JETs leave and get replaced with who knows what kind of riffraff. Leave off that part.

Addendum: while I was finishing up writing this, the principal of Big Elementary shut the windows and turned on the AC. I guess it becomes acceptable in July to do that. Someone tell the bus driver from this morning. JULY = HOT. YOU CAN USE AC. IT’S OKAY.

Second addendum: when I got home, the umbrella I bought this morning and then left leaning against a pole at the bus stop was still there, just chillin by the pole. I’m sure if it had been raining, someone would have stolen it. But I guess since it wasn’t, they didn’t. And this country ain’t so bad. Maybe.

By no means at all

I briefly flirted with the idea of being a hacker. This was terminated when I was informed that I would have to download and install an entire new operating system in order to steal internet from the staff room. I wanted to take it quietly, but that sounds like a lot of work. I am just not that technically savvy, although I may happen to have friends in those places…

I thought I was pretty clever until last night when someone told me that every ALT has internet except me. This pushed me to the breaking point of lameness and required that I start opening cans of complain-til-someone-fixes-this-shit at work. I am currently recovering from that cold, so that helps me be a little less patient and a little more like, omgwtf can you just do this one thing to make my life better?! kthx.

So even though everyone is holy-crap busy all the time, I decided to ask Mikan-sensei. But when I got to school, he just looked so damn overworked (because he is) that I decided to ask the VP instead. The VP is always engaging me in deceptive conversation which leads me to believe his English is basically my English, but actually, it’s not (go figure).. he sounds very natural most of the time, so it makes me feel all confused and not-listened-to when he doesn’t immediately get what I am saying, which is actually a fairly frequent occurrence. Anyway, I figure if the VP regularly has time to ask me about movie quotes, he can totally take a few minutes to re-bless my laptop with the gift of internet and save me the trouble of downloading linux to haxor it.

My recourse of late has been offline gmail (which I kind of love for some reason) and then knowing that any really important information (should anyone choose to share any of that with me) could be communicated via cell-phone email/textmessage. Which is another lame way to say, I was reduced to cellphone email for my connection to the outside world between the hours of 7:15am and 4:50pm.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

But today? Today I FORGOT MY CELL PHONE on its charger and so even though I did march up to the VP and ask, no really, is there any way I can get internet on my computer? And even though the technically inclined teacher checked it out, and even though they called the BOE to get the password (because apparently the BOE has that, and people here do not, or some crap), the computer guy at the BOE has the day off today (and we all know what a “day off” means… he is either at home sick or he is retaking the driving test for the 45th time, etc. UNLESS he is like Miss Piggy-sensei who just has every Wednesday off…) so I do not have internet either.

I started out thinking I would slowly progress toward having internet by any means necessary, but I ended up (NOT) having it today.. by no means at all.

Fail.

jerksvent

People are jerks.

You might overlook this in your day-to-day life because it makes the living of it easier. It’s much more pleasant an experience to think things are “funny” rather than “annoying as hell,” or that they are “cute” instead of “stupid.” Inquisitive, not invasive, a teaching opportunity, not asinine… the conversion list is endless and it’s an interface on operating system that you wonderful kindhearted souls must use to function without your head exploding all over everyone all the time.

But when you find yourself short on patience, let’s say, you didn’t sleep well that night, or you got a cold, or something, suddenly all the jerk actions of all the bastard people become way too apparent. Suddenly it’s possible to have a beef with everyone. Suddenly you don’t have the internal resources required to rise above shit like you normally do. The irony being that other people will during this time think that YOU have suddenly become a jerk, when actually you are just seeing the jerkiness of all others clearly for the first time in a while.

Soooo I have had a cold recently. And I have about had it up to here with basically everyone. Okay the kids are actually mostly okay, except for those smartasses who make a point of not trying and then make sure you notice it. And there are a few staff members who have stayed out of my way (what, because they just can’t be bothered to even think of having my back? Thanks a lot!) and I can think of two staff members who have been, dare I say it, nice to me today.

Everyone else just wants shit from me and doesn’t have any idea how to be courteous, helpful, or understanding.

Mostly today I am just frustrated at Miss Piggy because I’m sick of her complaining; today she is really energetic, rushing me off to class five minutes early when I clearly have too much crap all over my desk and papers IN MY HANDS that I am trying to sort before my next class.. thinking she is cute or clever or whatever. But like.. not helping students on their worksheets for some reason. Getting me to make her copies for her because… whatever. Arg.

Also, I feel overworked today because I have four classes at the middle school. This is silly because until recently, that was the norm. But lately, two is the norm, giving me the rest of the time to do things like plan elementary, and then catch up on other important life tasks like trying to keep my email inbox under better control, or trying to study Japanese.. (None of which I have done today, nor will I ever be able to EVER AGAIN, JEEZ) Now, I do recall that I was always astonished at how behind I always seemed when I was trying to cram even just staying on top of work (that elementary planning and creating materials will get you every time) into the time I had, so the change was secretly kind of awesome. But I never felt overly put-upon to go to four classes in a day here.

But TODAY good GRIEF you want me to sit through FOUR classes?! Two of them with the awesome awesome crew of first-year (frogs) but with Miss Piggy, the others with the sweet and kind-approaching Newbie-sensei but with those awful second-year kids (the mice) who just stare at you rather than participate in anything ever?!

It's been a few days. A couple days back I sat at the sushi bar with Big Brother contemplating why no one in this town gives a damn anymore.

Having a cold makes me crotchety and entitled. So all you jerks had better start treating me better and at least PRETENDING to give a shit~!

Thanks.

/vent

littler fish

I always used to say that the easiest thing to learn is something you have already learned before.

Academically, I still think that’s pretty true. I almost feel like this is a companion entry to the one immediately previous because it also has to do with taking a long time on something. Only this time, in a progress-oriented way.

I decided that it takes me six years to get comfortable with a language. Six years, no shit. I guess it would be different if I were studying something intensively and focused on nothing else.. maybe the time would shorten up, then; but I’m not sure I could study Only One Thing for, you know, like two or three years, and still retain my sanity.

So when it comes to language, I have to move in stages. There are certain things I look at on the first go round, learn them only insofar as I have to (memorize for the quiz), and then just consign them to the currently-out-of-reach mental box. It’s not that I’ll never have what it takes to master those concepts, it’s just that I don’t have the time/energy/motivation/knowledge background right now to even want to deal with them.

Kanji’s like that. I had much bigger fish to fry than literacy for a long time. Honorifics and humble speech are like that, too. I joke about the ridiculous complexity of the Japanese writing system (which I am beginning to enjoy, go figure). You may also have heard me complain about how there are actually like twelve levels of formality for speech. Well, it’s not so. There are totally more than that.

But twelve is really all I probably need*, seeing as how I most likely won’t be having an audience with an emperor anytime soon. If I do, I’ll just have to hope that he, like everyone else that deals with me in this country, will be understanding that using those freaking levels is hard, and not as high on my priority list as learning how to just ask a train station worker a question with more words and less miming.

Thing is? If I think about it and formulate the question in my mind before approaching a station worker, as long as I’m not in any hurry, I can do that now. So I look down at my little chart of honorific and humble verb forms, and I kind of sigh, because.. shit. I guess it’s time. Twelve, though, really? Jeez. Not that it’s any easier for a nonnative English speaker to navigate the hemming and hawing we do instead to set a tone and show respect or lack thereof. I think in Japanese, you can ask a favor of your superior fairly directly if you use the right words.. you know, can I receive the favor of you allowing the rudeness of my requesting to get a ride to the work drinking party? Whereas in English I feel like you kind of more just.. make statements like I really want to go to the work party, but I don’t really know where it is, or how to get there. Can you tell me how to get there? Can I get there by walking? Oh you’re right, that is kind of far. Is it out of your way? Oh you would? Thank you so much!

I’m not turning Japanese. I always frickin’ have been.

 

* Obviously, you don’t really really need them. But it’s nice to know they exist when you go into a store or restaurant and the servicepeople, who have to be saying things like “How can I help you?” or “What would you like?” are using words that you cannot conceptualize, despite your basic vocab skillz. It’s kind of like the way a waitress will never say “What do you want?” which is simple/straightforward both grammar and vocab-wise, but instead “What can I get for y’all?” or “What would you like?” .. and would is all kinds of trouble as a modal verb and all this BS, when you really think about it.

But seriously, the service in Japan is mostly just insane(ly good), and it will only confuse them if you try to tip them. Go to a cafe in Japan once in your life just to hear someone say what must actually be “We are honored that you have graced us with your presence, I beg that you allow me to serve you,” and then not expect extra cash for it.

Shocking

I’ve been thinking lately about fatigue.

When we were at orientation at the beginning of the whole JET adventure of mine, there was a seminar on “Culture Shock” which is now called “Cultural Fatigue.” The speaker kind of made a joke about how the “fatigue” term is harder for people to understand, and sort of elicits the response just take a nap, whereas “shock” seems a lot more dramatic.

But not to me. Shock is something that is short-lived, intense but momentary. Personally, I’m okay with crisis. My mind is much more geared to dealing with things like intensity-in-the-moment. In my naivety, I believe that there is no great shock I cannot stomach for that one horrible moment in time.

It’s the moments that come after that really scare me. It’s the prospect of the time that will go on and on. This is what makes a thing like loss difficult for me. It’s the way loss means it’s going to be gone for a long time, the way the future stretches out before you suddenly lacking something. I’m not scared of having a bad day – I’m scared of real lingering unhappiness.

So the long-term-ness of the strain implied by fatigue is, to me, much scarier than shock, culture or otherwise. It’s not the moment of holy shit, there is corn and mayo on this pizza but no pepperoni, but rather the months and months you will go before you have decent pizza. But even that is fully bearable because, heck, what’s six months (and this example is just pizza—there are far less unhealthy, trivial things to deal with) of bad or no pizza? Really, what’s the rest of my life with no pizza? I’d say it’s pretty tragic, but in all seriousness, I wouldn’t care that much.

What’s scary about cultural fatigue is having to do things in a way that doesn’t fit with your own desires or ideas. It’s exhausting to want to make a difference and to feel that you don’t. In more general terms, it’s fatiguing to want something and not get it.

The scary side of fatigue is facing the prospect that it doesn’t get easier or better with time, it gets worse. Shock is something that happens, and sucks, and then slowly mends, like any old wound. Fatigue, to me, sounds more like a deteriorative disease.

The problem is not that you had a fight with your sig-O. Fights are good in a lot of ways.. and very often, they are pushes to progress that wouldn’t otherwise be made (in that way, they can keep you from stagnating). The problem is not a fight. The problem is when you have fights all the time. About the same damn thing. And progress never seems to get made. The problem is stagnation.

I never worry about a cough, or a cold, or a sore throat, even when it’s particularly painful or shitty. I only worry when it’s been three or four weeks, even if the cough is minor.

I don’t care that the kids are wild/incapable of attention for English class on the last period of the day on a Friday afternoon. But I do care if they are like that every week and I only ever get that time slot for the rest of forever, or they turn out that way in my class no matter what time of day I go. It will take three weeks for me to figure this out/admit that there is something I need to see about fixing.(Then I sigh and feel tired because of the prospect of the way I now know I have to do something ‘bout it, as opposed to being tired because of all I’ve done.. I get tired in advance.

But actually, the ironic thing is, sometimes you really do just need to take a nap or something. Sometimes you just need a little something to allow you to turn around on the way you look at a thing. Sometimes you just need a figurative breath of fresh air. It can start with something as simple as getting a better handle on your own physical health.. making sure you get enough sleep, eat well (I’m telling you, spinach has serious vitamins happening), get a bit of exercise (swear to goodness it helps with sanity), brush yo teeth, etc… well being on top of one thing leads at least me to feel better about trying to get atop another.

I’m writing this now.. from a point of view of being scared of fatigue, not really being mired in it. I’ve said that I fear or dislike change. But I also greatly fear lack of change (as a component of fatigue)—which is a logically flawed fear to have, since change is impossible to prevent.

I guess it’s like they say, though, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The overarching things don’t change. The atomic things don’t change. Stuff in between never stops changing. Shocking.