Friday, January 28, 2011

Not Done Yet

I realize that I made this post without actually saying what I circled, officially, before turning in that form. Maybe I came off as assuming that the answer to that must be obvious to you. I mean, what else could I circle?

I haven't yet.

It's mostly that the form represents a large amount of emotional time. The actual act of circling an option will take me approximately four seconds. Sign, date, turn in. My VP has asked me for it twice and I said I'd give it to him today. What's taking so long?

I tend to sort things in my mind based on both how important/urgent they are (the form is due on the 2nd, so there is no rush), and also how long they will take. Shorter things get done earlier because longer-time stuff puts a greater strain on the urgency/importance of those set behind it. I keep setting the form aside because of its anomalous stature as a thing that takes no time, but a thing that takes forever.

I walked down to the post box today around noon to drop something in the mail. It was go-home time for the kindergarten next door, so lots of young moms were pushing strollers, and little red-pants-wearing kids were swinging umbrellas as the snow fell all around. The snow is silent, the kids are not.. it doesn't accumulate today, not that cold. I live, some days, in a freaking post card.

And I want to push a stroller, too, and I want to walk a little high-pitched voice bearing kid home from school at noon. I want to see what kinds of things that/those kid(s) will be interested in, what they can do, what makes them happy, what makes them scared. I also know that circling "yes" means putting that [less] distant [every year] eventuality on hold.

Every time I look at the form, I get uncertain about whether staying is what I should do.

But the truth of the matter is, I realized, that I don't have to take the weight of what I should do onto that form. There is no way to know yet what I really should do. But I'm pretty sure of what I will do. That's not so hard to guess. There are lots of reasons, some good, some silly; one of them is the ambivalently valuable fact that I am hard put to go against what I said I'd do, even informally, and I'm not good at voting for a non-incumbent. I don't mean that politically.

I tend to stay until the job is done, or until time is up and I am sent away. Few jobs are ever fully done to my satisfaction. Usually it's keep at it, keep after it, til you look up at the clock and it's de-wa, owarimasu, stand up!

And, I like it here. Sometimes I wonder, why should I stay? Other times, how could I ever leave? But I know I will leave (eventually), the same way I know I'll stay, without actually knowing if I "should" or not. The decision is basically made.

But when my VP asks, I just tell him I'm not done yet. Whatever. I've got time.


  1. It's good to see that you are taking this decision very seriously. You know my feelings- I want what you want. And don't worry, you always get it ALL in the end!